Of Men, Conversations, and Their Hidden Secrets
by ganetto rain
Summary: Challenge fic for Birisu. Prompt: Dollet, fan, bookshelf. Sometimes, men aren't quite so good at keeping secrets. Or maybe it's just the women who are ingenious, and the men who are clueless and can't seem to learn and keep away from the wrath of women.


"This… is a nice house." (At least, perfect for the both of you.)

"Yeah, but of course! It was selected with my expert taste, it must definitely be perfect, especially since this is for my wonderful wife Sefie! Can't you picture the look of ecstasy on her face when she sees this? She'll go into raptures for sure-"

(I wonder.)

" – And we'll have a wonderful time together in the quaint little town of Dollet, for starters. It's perfect, isn't it?"

(Quite right.) "You chose this out yourself?"

"Of course! She's now so busy with SeeD trainings now, so I didn't have the heart to turn her down when she asked me to find us a pretty home to stay in! I think she'll be pleased with my choice, don't you think?"

(Yeah, unlike the person standing before you who bought a neon blue dresser for a room painted bright orange, right?) "Even the bright yellow curtains trimmed with pink lace?"

"It was to bring out the exact shade of Sefie's eyes! Surely you can't doubt my taste, can you?"

(… Figures.) "Aren't they a little …off?"

"What do you mean?"

"They seem… moth-eaten."

"They can't be, I got them off Matron! Matron wouldn't keep moth-eaten curtains in her house, after all! Remember the time she screamed at Zell for stuffing his shirt into the mud to make brown dye? Remember the time when she nearly spanked me for trying to pour coke down Zell's shirt?"

(Of course I remember… Sort of, anyway. Zell bawled. Nearly peed in his pants, if I remember correctly.) "They seem to look so."

"That's only the outside look, Squall."

"I see." (But I do see something with wings on the curtain. Is it just my imagination after all?)

"Anyway, Squall, I'm not done with the tour yet! Come on, let's move to the bedroom."

_Thud-thud-thud-thud-thud._

"Yes, Squall, and this is the bedroom! Look at the bed! It's a deluxe king-sized bed, perfect for when Sefie and I-"

"I don't want to know."

"Aww, Squall, you need to lighten up a bit!"

"No." (Aren't these things supposed to be private?)

"Geez, hasn't Rinoa taught you a thing or two about having fun?"

"… I don't want to answer that."

"… Squall, are you _blushing_?"

"… No."

"Okay, okay, fine, I get it! Anyway, isn't the bed wonderful? Just look at the wonderfully intricate design of windmills and flowery pigs in one! Wouldn't Sefie love it? And-"

"What's that noise?"

"… What? I don't hear anything."

"… Your fan… Isn't it creaking?"

"… Well, it's too silent around here right? We do need some noise after all-"

(Hardly. In fact, I rather pity your neighbours.)

"-Although I think that our voices would overpower the creaking fan!"

(That goes without saying.) "You could try Silence."

_Crackle-fizz-bang. _"Looks like it doesn't work on it. Anyway, the toilet, Squall, the toilet! It's the best thing about this place, I guarantee! Look, I'll open the door and you'll see…"

_Gulp_.

"… A bookshelf." (Are my eyes deceiving me again, or are those…?)

"… Well, you know, Squall – of course you know, you have been through this after all – housekeeping isn't really a guy's thing… I sort of bought it off an old chap down Balamb Harbour. 2000 Gil, it was the best bargain I ever made! But well… It seems like it's infested with cockroaches and woodlice."

(Termites, you mean. Wood lice are _brown_. It's _common_ knowledge, according to Rinoa.) "What's that white stuff between the boards?"

"Well… I sort of tried to inspect it, and I _think_ it's a Marlboro egg…"

"And you left it _there_?"

"I was going to clear it up like real soon, really! Anyway, keep my secret for me, will you, Squall? Oh, look at the time, Squall, it's high time for me to pick up Tam- Sefie, I mean Sefie!"

"… Selphie will _murder_ you."

"Squall, you can't tell me that you aren't the slightest bit tempted by beautiful girls… Of course, Sefie's the most enchanting and beautiful of all, but, well, Tamara had legs to die for…"

(So did Grace and Sarah and Kellen, I suppose.) "I pray for a happy marriage between you and Selphie."

"Thanks, Squall. Now, time to enjoy my last day as a bachelor… Let's go party, Squall! Oh yeah, we'll go round Zell's and get him too..."

"… In fifteen hours and forty-five minutes, you're going to be walking down the altar. Selphie is going to wear her wedding dress and you're going to give her your wedding ring."

"Yeah, I know, I know! That's all the more reason for me to have fun, right? Come on, Squall, be a good friend and spend the time with me in my last hours as a bachelor, won't you? I don't think Rinoa will quite kill you for what you're going to do now, hopefully…"

_Thud-thud-thud-thud-thud. Bham._

* * *

_  
Rustle. _"I think Squall was right! Let's go murder them, Rinoa!" 

_Rustle-rustle. _"I suppose so, Selphie. But I think it could wait until after tomorrow, I guess. _Then_ they'll see why men are the weaker sex…"

_Rustle-rustle-rustle. _"… Both of you, aren't you being a little hasty about this?"

"Oh, Quistis, we're not, I swear, we're not... Oh, geez, look at my pants. Irvy's going to pay _double_ for this..."

* * *

**Author's Note:** This is my (very poor, I think) first attempt at an FFVIII fan-fic _and_ a humor fic. Specially for **Birisu**. Anyway, comments and criticism are highly welcome! D 


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